Jellyfish pick up line doesn't work in Malta

We had jellyfish for some days in the bay in Sliema, so I was somewhat hesitant to go swimming. I inquired at my favourite joint, „Paradise Exiles“ and they told me they had about ten stings each reported by swimmers on the previous Saturday and Sunday. They recommended that I should rather go to a swimming pool. However, it became so hot (33 – 36° high temperatures) that I already dreaded the bus trip to the pool.

In Malta bus service seems to be a totally random event, the timetable apparently just aims to confuse the tourists. Sometimes three buses for the same route arrive simultaneously, another time you have to wait more than twenty minutes for the bus to arrive, although the frequency should be seven minutes. To wait twenty minutes in 36 °, then to get into a bus cooled down to igloo temperatures and then to walk about ten minutes to the fitness club with the pool is obviously not a very enticing prospect.

So I decided to wait for some days, although I was told that the jellyfish would probably stay for another two months. But then I saw that they prepared the adjacent Exiles sports club for water polo. How could they play water polo in the sea, when there were jellyfish? I was told that there is a lotion that protects against jellyfish stings. I searched for it on the web and found such a lotion although there seemed to be no universal agreement, whether it really works and whether that was proven by scientific studies.

You're asking, but what about the jellyfish pick up line? Stay tuned. One needs a thorough backgrounder for any pickup line analysis.

So I went to the closest pharmacy in order to buy the lotion. It is called “economical pharmacy”, although it is quite a nice place. Not sure what the “economical” refers to. I bought the lotion and when I inquired, I was assured that it would prevent stings. Furthermore I bought some cream in case it wouldn't work and I would get stung. The Maltese customers there didn't understand this because they just use white vinegar after taking off the lancets left by the jellyfish with a credit card. Maltese are very ingenious and that is a great use for a credit card even in times of financial crisis when other uses may be questionable. Furthermore it is one of the few uses of a credit card post expiry. A tourist told me that this use of the credit card is the worst thing you could do in case of a jellyfish sting, as it will rub the venom even deeper into the skin, making it hurt even more. But I think he was just envious of the Maltese practicality.

Next morning I put on the lotion, which includes a sun protective. In addition I put on a T shirt in order not to become stung in the back where I may not have been able to reach with the lotion. I also packed an expired frequent flyer plastic card and a small bottle of white vinegar. Then I went into the sea and swam out as far as was permitted.

When I swam back I saw two girls standing at the ladder where I went into the sea, shouting at me. I didn't really understand what they were saying. I swam to the ladder and they asked me about jellyfish. I answered, that I hadn't encountered one, but had seen some two days ago. The better looking girl responded, that she knew about the jellyfish two days ago (one really can't tell those young girls anything new), but was asking about today. She said “Today, not two days ago”. I said that very probably there were some left from two days ago, but I hadn't seen any today. She responded that with her luck she would be stung by one of the leftovers.

And now comes the pickup line:

So I offered them to swim behind me, so that I would be stung first. I thought that was a great pickup line, because I really couldn't talk them up while they were swimming behind me. The idea was that a pickup line that obviously can't work should work, as the target would feel safe. But it didn't work. She flatly refused, saying she wanted to jump in, i.e. over me, so she couldn't swim behind me. I became more determined now and responded that the other option was that I would swim behind them and they would get stung first. But they just laughed.

So the jellyfish pickup line doesn't work. Maltese girls are too smart.

PS: For a discussion on how jellyfish sting, see the article by Prof. Schembri

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